About 15 years ago in one of my seminary classes, Dr. Howard Baker had us write a Rule of Life, a short treatise on the basis of a person’s life and how one should live it, by placing structures and disciplines intentionally into a day, a week, a month, a year. This appealed greatly to me because, one, I do love a plan, and two, the Lord knows I’ve always wanted to live intentionally.
The C.S. Lewis Institute says, “ A Rule of Life is an intentional pattern of spiritual disciplines that provides structure and direction for growth in holiness. A Rule establishes a rhythm for life in which is helpful for being formed by the Spirit, a rhythm that reflects a love for God and respect for how he has made us. (http://www.cslewisinstitute.org/webfm_send/338)
A rhythm–I love that idea. It brings to mind peace and calmness in the midst of the tyranny of life’s obligations and pressures. Just the thought of it calms me down. Not that I follow that 15 year old Rule of Life much anymore, though I still do know where it is and sometimes look over it.
When I look at my old rule of life paper, it reminds me of that time of my life, mid 30’s or so, and all that went along with it. I was:
1) a single woman
2) a person still bent on perfection (she pretty much still exists)
3) a person with a different theology than I have now, to some degree (I’ve always been “Love God, love others.” That hasn’t changed).
4) a person with a desire to do everything, help everyone, change the world (ah, she definitely still exists)
5) a person who thus tries to do it all and who thus has a quite lengthy and dense Rule of Life.
My life is a clot of nerves now. I’m married and have step-children. Principaling is all-inclusive. I’m older and, while in good shape, need more rest and exercise and good eating, which takes a whole lot more time than I think it should. And all this comes into conflict with #2 and #4 and #5.
In short, I’m exhausted, more so mentally and emotionally than physically.
So I was thinking this weekend about how I hear the “shoulds” all the time–I should be eating better; I should have daily meditation time (I typed “medication time” in the first draft and thought, “That too!”); I should do all those things that all the magazines I get say:
“5 Ways to Lose 15 lbs!”
“Make Your Next Big Move!”
“Effortless Sheet Pan Dinners”
“Your easy ORGANIZING MAKEOVER!”
Add in the internet and all its advice, and the “shoulds” are endless. But helpful sometimes. I just saw the meme, “I just want to drink wine, save animals and take naps.” And I think, “Yeeeeeeesssss. That’s it; that’s the life I need to lead!” Then reality sets in and I realize, none of the above pays the bills.
Honest to God, do they not realize that all this just gives me more to do and feel more guilty? Hell, I don’t even have time to read all they tell me I need to do. May be some folks can read these things and dismiss them, but I add them to the plate of “what I need to do next time I have some time.” Add to these, “keep practicing Spanish, make healthier dinners, clean the baseboards and flip the mattress.” The result is the “next time I have some time” I just sit on the couch, watch TV, sleep, work out, but basically avoid a lot of it and feel simultaneous guilt.
So back to the original point: I need a new rule of life. I need it because I do need a rhythm, a discipline, a something that guides my crazy life and focuses me on what is important–and away from the ever-alluring couch.
As I thought about it this weekend, the words “basic, simple, most-needed” came to mind. Essential especially repeated itself time and again, as did a warning to myself. “You know you; you overkill. All.The.Time. So make a list of a few things that are absolutely essential to your life, your well-being, to a rhythm that keeps you open to God and people and love first and foremost. Then cut that list in half.” Whoa.
So here I go. Wish me well as this over-achiever, over-extender, tired, drained, late 40-something woman goes for a new “Rule.” I’ll let you know how it goes. And let let me know how and what you do to live your life intentionally by adding a comment below. We could all use the help!
(Oh, and make sure to have some “medication time.”) 😉
A Different Way of Being 
To make the “Rule” list more manageable for me, I take the self-improvement one year/one thing at a time: Every year in my thirties–I gave up something. Every year in my forties–I’ve taken up something. (Who knows, in my fifties, maybe I’ll be inspired by a phrase–EAT, PRAY, LOVE or some nonsense).
Some years the thing sticks after the year (no drinking, no TV and no caffeine) and sometimes it doesn’t (yoga every day) and then sometimes, I pick up the thing and drop it back down again
* no caffeinated sodas, but okay, three years later, just green tea
* no TV for seven years, but after I got a computer, for the love of God, Netflix, please, at least, which led back to full on cable after the baby came
* Sobriety for eight years to lots of wine for six years back to sobriety again this year
At the very least, this method shuts up the constant shouting “should” voice in my head and turns those kinds of thoughts into gentle “hey, you should put that in the pile to consider taking up for a year bin” nudges. And for that, I’m truly grateful.
That is awesome, Hope! There are a few things that need to go off and a few things on! It’s like Lent, all the time! Thank you!
Buddhist philosophy talks about a constellation of virtues–they are all intertwined. So we don’t just cultivate one virtue at a time, but we cultivate a mind (and I would add soul) that is conducive/susceptible to virtue. I like this approach because it is not about grasping at what we are not, but about cultivating a capacity within us to be susceptible to compassion, patience, love, etc. The cultivation itself is a practice that focuses not on adding more and more to our lives, but on emptying ourselves of all the illusions and distortions that make us think we need to grasp at things or hold onto things, etc. I am simplifying this a lot, but suffice it to say that there is great freedom in cultivating open space within ourselves to be present to the compassion and healing opportunities that we encounter again and again in life. We don’t make things happen, but we cultivate the capacity within us to be receptive when sustenance and provisions come our way. I have found this open space to be calming and very creative. And it gently escorted me away from the places in my life where I was striving so hard and encountering a lot of fatigue and frustration. And, an important addition to this description, is that learning about the Buddhist sensitivity helped me be more awake to this same invitation in Christianity.
Marcia–are you advocating for a move away from a rule of life? I’m certainly open to that. I have always loved Henri Nouwen’s assertion that our main spiritual discipline is to keep space open for God. The space between being intentional and passive–I struggle.